That harsh inner voice
Think about what you say to yourself when things don’t go to plan. Maybe you bombed a test, didn’t get picked for something, or just feel like you’re not good enough. Do you tell yourself you’re lazy or not trying hard enough?
A lot of us do. We say things to ourselves that we’d never say to a mate – or even someone we don’t like. But when a friend comes to us upset, we usually show them kindness, encouragement, and support.
“When we treat others with respect and caring, the best in them usually comes out. Much the same would happen if we could treat ourselves in the same way.”
– Rick Hanson, Resilience
Why are we so tough on ourselves?
Many people believe that being hard on themselves is the only way to improve. We think that if we’re not strict, we’ll slack off or fail. Being kind to ourselves can feel like we’re being soft or making excuses.
But here’s the thing: research shows that self-criticism doesn’t actually help. In fact, it can make things worse.
What happens when we’re too critical?
The evidence suggests that when we’re harsh on ourselves, our brain reacts like we’re under attack. It triggers the fight, flight, or freeze response, just like if someone else were yelling at us. This can lead to:
- Feeling anxious, insecure, or depressed
- Avoiding challenges because we’re scared of failing
- Struggling in friendships or social situations
- Losing motivation and confidence
- Finding it harder to bounce back from setbacks
- Feeling less happy overall
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion means treating yourself like you would a good friend. It’s about being kind, patient, and understanding with yourself, especially when things go wrong.
It’s not about pretending everything’s fine or saying fake positive stuff you don’t believe. It’s about accepting yourself, flaws and all, and giving yourself the same support you’d give someone you care about.
Imagine facing a tough situation with an inner coach who’s got your back, instead of an inner bully who tears you down.
Why self-compassion works
When you practise self-compassion, you’re more likely to:
- Believe in yourself and your abilities
- Stop comparing yourself to others
- Stay motivated and keep trying, even when things get hard
- Manage your study load and stress better
- Learn from mistakes instead of avoiding them
- Look after your mental health and wellbeing
Self-compassion isn’t weakness – it’s strength. It helps you bounce back, stay focused, and keep going.
How to practise self-compassion
There are three key parts to self-compassion:
1. Mindfulness – noticing what’s going on
Start by paying attention to how you talk to yourself when things go wrong. Notice the thoughts and feelings without ignoring or exaggerating them. You might say to yourself:
“This is really hard right now. I’m feeling upset, and that’s okay.”
This helps you stay grounded and not get overwhelmed by negative self-talk.
2. Common humanity – you’re not alone
Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone struggles. It’s part of being human. When you remember that others go through similar things, it helps you feel less alone and more connected.
Instead of thinking, “Why is this happening to me?” try thinking, “Everyone has tough times. I’m not the only one.”
This shift can move you from self-pity to self-compassion.
3. Self-kindness – be your own mate
Talk to yourself like you would to a friend. Use kind, encouraging words like:
- “I know this is tough, but I’m here for you.”
- “It’s okay not to be perfect.”
- “What do I need right now to feel better?”
Also, pay attention to your tone. A warm, gentle voice can make a big difference. Think about how you’d speak to a friend who’s upset, or how you’d calm a pet or comfort a younger sibling.
Even small physical gestures – like placing your hand on your heart or giving your fingers a gentle squeeze – can help you feel supported.
Your inner coach vs inner critic
Think of self-compassion as your inner coach. When your inner critic starts up, ask:
“What is this critic trying to protect me from?”
Then let your inner coach take over. It has the same goal – to help you do better – but it uses encouragement, not shame.
A word of caution
You won’t always get it right. Sometimes you’ll still be hard on yourself. That’s okay. Self-compassion is a skill, and like any skill, it takes time to build.
“You don’t want to beat yourself up for beating yourself up in the vain hope that it will somehow make you stop beating yourself up.”
– Kristin Neff
Want to know how self-compassionate you are?
Prepared by the Student Safety and Wellbeing Team